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What actually happens in a first session
Most people arrive at the first appointment carrying two things: whatever brought them, and the worry that they will not know how to say it. Here is the whole hour, in plain terms, so one of those can be put down before you walk in.
The Viral “Let Them” Theory: How It Can Transform Your Life
Most people arrive at the first appointment carrying two things: whatever brought them, and the worry that they will not know how to say it. Here is the whole hour, in plain terms, so one of those can be put down before you walk in.
A new viral phrase is making waves online, promising to be “the one trick you need to live a peaceful and fulfilled life.” TikTokers, Influencers, and other social media gurus have jumped on the Let Them theory bandwagon and described it as a “game-changer” that has made a significant impact on their lives and relationships. But what exactly is this theory, and how can you experience its benefits?
In a 2024 interview with Oprah Winfrey, Tyler Perry revealed how this mindset transformed his life. Perry said his life became significantly better when he decided to “let people be who they are” instead of expecting them to show up as he wanted. He explained:
“I made the choice whether I was going to continue to be your friend or be in this moment with you or not.”
Mel Robbins, widely credited with popularizing the concept through her podcast, describes “Let Them” as recognizing what’s outside your control and embracing acceptance. She emphasizes how much time and energy is wasted trying to force others to meet our expectations:
“Let them be themselves, because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them. And then you get to choose what you do next.”
The Psychology Behind "Let Them"
The idea behind “Let Them” isn’t new — it’s something therapists have been encouraging for years to help people feel happier, more in control, and better equipped to set boundaries. At its core, the concept is about shifting your focus to what you can control (your thoughts, actions, and energy) and letting go of what you can’t (other people’s behavior, decisions, or opinions).
In my psychotherapy practice, I often refer to this as recognizing realms of control. Simply put, this means focusing our mental energy on things that are within our control (our behaviour, our thoughts, our energy, our self care, etc) and not dwelling on things that are outside of our control (other people’s behaviours, other people’s thoughts, etc).
- Within Your Control:Your actions, thoughts, energy, and self-care.
- Outside Your Control:Other people’s actions, thoughts, and feelings.
As described in the poem entitled LET THEM, author Cassie Phillips instructs:
“If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them.
If they are showing you who they are — not what you perceived them to be — let them.”
Why “Let Them” is a Game-Changer
This mindset frees you from the frustration of trying to control what’s impossible to control. Shay Mitchell shared a similar realization on the Call Her Daddy podcast while reflecting on her dating life:
“I wasted so many sleepless nights, for what? Did that change how he acted? No. People are going to do what they’re going to do, regardless if you’re staying up at night, stalking an Instagram.”
By letting others be who they are, you conserve your emotional energy and gain clarity about the relationships and situations that truly align with your values.
Embrace “Let Them” This Valentine’s Day
As Valentine’s Day approaches and brings up many positive and negative emotions, I urge you to consider embracing this theory of Let Them and experience feelings of control, emotional peace, and better relationships that come with it.
Instead of trying to control how others behave or feel, focus on what you can control: your boundaries, your energy, and your peace of mind. When you stop forcing others to meet your expectations, you’ll discover greater emotional freedom, deeper self-respect, and healthier relationships.
So this Valentine’s Day, take a deep breath, choose acceptance, and let them.
Leanne Eby
Leanne brings nearly 20 years of frontline experience and specializes in supporting individuals of all ages navigating anxiety, depression, stress, and trauma. With advanced training in psychology and a particular focus on anxiety disorders, she draws on CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and EMDR to provide personalized, compassionate care. She also offers creative, child-centred therapy tailored to children's unique needs, interests, and developmental stages.
